Complete honesty.

Because I hate trying to seem happy.

I really don't care if anyone reads this. Actually, I'd probably prefer people not..just because I don't want anyone at all to feel obligated to comment with like..sympathy or anything. I don't want/need advice or encouragement, etc. I just need a moment to be honest.

Jordan told me tonight that while he may be interested in me, he thinks it's just a rebound thing. I think Jack likes me. But I'm not sure. He's so amazing to talk to. Jordan is too, though. I can't tell you how much joy I get from texting Jordan back and forth. They both make me laugh so incredibly much. But, you know. It's me. And guys can't be interested in me past friendship, and if they are..it's irrelevant because I'm not attracted to them. The good guys wouldn't like me, otherwise they wouldn't be good.

I hate school. I'm frickin' sick of stress. Right now, my heart hurts. Badly. It scares me because I don't know what it means. Does this normally happen? Ugh, I have to like press down on my chest to make the pain bearable, sometimes.

I hate the way I look. I think I'm hideous. I feel like I should be anorexic because I'm too fat, but I'm just too lazy. Which makes me hate it more. I listen to songs about coping through eating disorders, and rather than feel sad for the girls, I'm jealous because I wish I could be that skinny.

I work all the time, yet I have no money. I get my paycheck, and once my tithe, savings, car insurance, gas money, phone bill are taken out, I have about $20 to last me til the next check and it makes me cry because it's all this stress for..seemingly nothing.

I have a ton of schoolwork to get done, but I can't focus well because I'm just so worried. My mom keeps telling me I'm disappointing her. She doesn't think I'm reaching my potential, and I feel like a failure. I have the highest grade in biology, but the highest is a B, so that's not good. I hate it. This semester sucks so badly.

I never get to sleep but on Saturday morning.

I avoid talking to God because I feel like such a failure. There is this sin..that I keep going back to, and I hate it. I hate myself sometimes for falling back into it so much. Ugh, why do I let it control me when I hate it? I know, I know, Paul said it before me, but it's so unfuriating. Everything is going wrong right now, and I really need joy.

My aunt is doing awfully. She is in jail, now. And because she couldn't get ahold of any alcohol, she drank orange extract which is basically everclear. This is a mess.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. I can't handle this, but I don't feel as if can go to God because I can't conquer this sin. And I can't keep apologizing for it because it seems so fake.