this is a whole new experience

All good things must come to an end.

2009-04-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

So, I'm a senior. This summer I think I'll be living in College Station, interning for when I graduate in December. It's kinda crazy. I still feel so young. Well, I guess I am. Everyone here basically gets married by now, so it's not so scary for them. But, going out into the world, alone, is pretty intimidating. I know I have God & family, so I'm not technically alone...but I'll be the only physical being living in an apartment with me, going to work with me, etc.

But, it's an exciting scary. I'm pumped for the opportunities ahead of me. I don't think I've had the college experience of most; however, it's all led me to where I am today. Which is a good place, I think. There's just so much world out there to be discovered. So many people to reach. I don't know if I'll necessarily be working in ministry, but I can minister to those I pass by. They're people everywhere, in every aspect of life, who need to see Him. I just hope I can prove faithful.

I went to a good concert tonight. One with a cause- The Moses Project. It's just so hard to leave things dedicated to those who need so much thinking about anything material, anything fluff. Who am I to complain about the ridiculous things I complain about when people are literally starving to death or living with horrendous physical ailments?

Perspective is nice.

I saw two homeless people the other day. I was taking a friend to the clinic, so I couldn't stop. But, I literally cannot see homeless people without crying or becoming close to it. It's just heartbreaking to me. So I prayed for God to send them someone to help them. Later that day, I went to wal-mart. They were sitting right out front. People passed them left & right. I stopped & asked if they had eaten dinner. Their response KILLED me. They said they had some dog food. Dog food. I couldn't believe it. Here we are living in America, a wealthy nation, (even during a recession) and we are letting people eat dog food? Seriously? It was just devastating.

I don't know. I know not everyone can afford to help. But I think too many who can, don't.

/end ramblings.

Ike- what a jerk.

2008-09-16T14:52:00.000-07:00

So, I've not been able to get the people affected by Ike off my mind for a while. I'm at school at ETBU, so I'm not right there at home, but we had trees and power lines fall all over the place here..and no power for a few days. It was really uncomfortable and at night I was pretty scared to be alone with no lights, listening to the howling of the wind. I can't imagine having to deal with that for more than a few days. Some of these people have that for a month or more to come.

I had a dream about it last night. I was trying to go around to friends and get them to help me find clothes to give to these people. But nobody would help me; nobody cared. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't so much think that normal people don't want to help, but I think until you experience something like this, even a small dose of it, you don't realize how devastating something like a hurricane can be. I worked at a grocery store when Rita hit a few years ago, and I was very frustrated because my town was a huge evacuation center and therefore tons of people were in the store all the time and we couldn't keep anything on the shelves. The people weren't very nice most of the time, and it bothered me because I didn't understand what they were going through.

Now I do...in a small degree. Just dealing with this weekend when I had no power, no food..no ability to leave to go somewhere with these things..I came to understand the frustration. I finally was able to leave and found a Target with a little food (not much because their power had been out as well so they had nothing that needed cooking...which I've found out is the only good stuff in a grocery store) and I was on edge. It took a long drive (and no gas stations had gas or were open), so I didn't know if I'd make it anywhere. And I was hungry- so hungry. And, I had a tooth infection but the pharmacy was closed too and therefore I couldn't get my prescription. It was a pretty miserable weekend.

But it's Tuesday, and that's all in the past for me. My power's on. My house is fine. I have my pictures and my music and my clothes..all safe and dry. But not everyone was so lucky.

So, what can I do? How can I help them? I can't stop thinking about them.

Whoa-oh-oh-ohhh...do de do.

2008-07-06T11:57:00.000-07:00

Jason Mraz is officially awesome.

Yeah, I feel like I could dedicate a whole post just to that one fact.
:D

...kay, off to another shift at good ol' applebees!
(by 'good old applebees' i of course mean mediocre food applebees, but it pays the school bills..:] )

School is back, holllaaaaa.

2008-01-12T16:39:00.000-08:00

Wow. I never thought I'd love school being back so much. I have such incredible friends though for the first time in my life. I have been dating this guy Seth, and he's so romantic and sweet. Most guys leave me feeling badly about myself after hanging out with them, but he leaves me feeling beautiful and admired.

Anyways, that aside, I'm excited about this new year. I have lots of goals I really am determined to meet. I'm really happy with school, friends, and Seth, but I want to be balanced and get my joy from God foremost. This time I really wanna do it right. I was determined to focus on God when the semester started, and just because everything is fitting into place doesn't mean I can let God fall out of the equation.

I want to amp up my joy with God. I want to focus on the right things and stay motivated. This is gonna be a great year!

I love it!!

2007-09-30T08:58:00.000-07:00

So, I've totally settled in and made a million friends. It's great. I'm basically on every intramural team. Basketball..soccer..ultimate frisbee, etc.

It's great. I've probably never been happier than I am now. Last night I stayed up til 4am watching scary movies in the quad on the grass with some people..one of which I totally have a crush on.

Anyway. Things are going super well. Hurray.

So.

2007-09-04T00:36:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's my birthday.

But nobody knows.

Ah, this is hard.

Wooooow, God.

2007-08-31T18:46:00.001-07:00

Besides the fact that it's incredibly stupid to have a "Christian" youtube, this video is amazing to me. I've watched it so many times. I'm that girl so often..but I never realize how Jesus is trying to pull me back to Him. And I don't see how content I am when I'm abiding in Him, and how miserable I am when I decide to do my own thing.

I LOVE the fact that Jesus takes control and fights for her. I'm one of those girls who dreams of being rescued someday by "prince charming." Yeah, right..well. Maybe it's lame, but it's my hopeless romantic side. But, I love the idea of being rescued by Christ.

I just really love this video. It's changed my heart so much.

First day at ETBU..

2007-08-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

So, this is different. My parents left this morning. It was really hard to say goodbye. I'm not a short drive away..I'm like 5.5 hours away. Gooosh.

I know maybe two people here. I feel so awkward. Because I'm a junior, I'm with all the people who already know each other. But I'm a transfer. So, nobody knows me. And my roommates..yeah..not so great. Everytime someone hears who they are, they apologize. I don't really know why yet, but they definitely aren't welcoming.

I kind of feel like an emotional mess. I can't cry but I feel sick and nervous. I attempted to go to the cafeteria today. Not so great. I saw this girl wave at me. I was like oh yay. So, I smiled and waved back. But yeah. She was waving to someone behind me and I just felt really stupid. So, I didn't eat and I just came back to my apartment.

I wish I were outgoing..but I'm not. So, who knows when I'll actually meet people. I just want to stop thinking about home.

Wake up; the sun is beautiful.

2007-06-04T06:40:00.000-07:00

Today I took my own headlines advice. I went to sleep last night at about midnight and I woke up at 3:30 AM. I think God wanted to talk to me. I have been worrying alot lately. I do that waaaay too often. I'll go through some stressful times and think "Well, as soon as this is over, I can be at peace." But the truth is, God doesn't want to take me away from my trials. He wants to take me through them.

My mom knows I'm a worrier, so she made me watch Joel Osteen last night. I happen to love that fellow. He brought up Shadrach, Mesach, and Obednego (yeah, spellcheck doesn't work for that one..curious). I guess I never really thought about the fact that although they trusted and honored God, God didn't spare them from being thrown in the fire. He allowed them to be bound and chunked in by guards. But what was important was the fact that He was there with them in the midst of the flames. He spared their lives and showed His power to a ruler who needed to be humbled. Even though these men were faithful, they were engulfed by a seemingly terrifying experience. But, I've always sensed their calm when I read this story. It seems as if they were at peace.

I worry about credit card bills and not fitting the ideal beauty standard. How ridiculous. These guys were about to be thrown in a ridiculous hot furnace, and they were basically chillin'. They had confidence in their God. They knew He was mighty to save. They magnified their God and not their problem. They knew God's love for them, and they knew His power. So there was no need to fret.

So, I'm taking that to heart. I don't care what my situation looks like to the world. I have my health. I have provision. I have amazing opportunites ahead of me, and most importantly I have the love of the Almighty God. And I know He is on my side.

This morning I came outside to watch the sunrise. It was amazing. The sky was purple and pink. I'm pretty sure the God who created the skies can take care of my credit card bill. And I'm pretty sure I can trust Him through it.

In sixteen days..

2007-05-22T18:40:00.000-07:00

I'll be in Florida! And I'll be with Brock and Auny again!

Man, I am so psyched.

I've not really hung out with anyone for a looooooooong time. I've been too busy with school/work to have personal time. SO, I'm really excited to be with cool kids again.

Gosh, I can't wait.

Oh yeah, and I totally made a 4.0 this semester. Heck yes. In a few months, I'll be at ETBU!

I guess I average a once a month post..

2007-04-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

Yay for me.

Anyway, so not a crazy lot has happened in my life lately. Just normal things..school, work, socializing, etc. I don't think my English professor would say that is a parallel sentence. I'm pretty much okay with that, though.

So, life isn't going too badly. I've been sick the last few days, but it's fine. Basically, I've been thinking about relationships alot. ..more specifically, why I can't enter into a guy/girl one. No matter how nice a guy is, I still can't bring myself to date him. I went on like six dates with Patrick, and then he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I basically said "um, no, and let's just stop seeing each other altogether.." But in a much nicer way. I just don't know why I get so apprehensive.

Sometimes I think it's because God doesn't want me with whatever guy it is. And sometimes I think it's just my nervousness. Who knows? I wish I did! But, it's okay. I'll trust God to bring the right one when He so desires.

And really, I'm not really focused on it anymore, albeit my blog would make it seem otherwise. But, I'm okay single for now. I have some freaking fantastic friends, and that'll be enough for me.

Hm.

2007-03-14T23:44:00.000-07:00

So, basically..I have about two months left of school/work before this summer.

This summer is going to be amazing, I hope. I mean, reuniting with the cool kids will of course prove fantastic.

I'm so glad to finally have an amazing girl friend. I always have guy friends, but I really needed a girl to hang out with. They pretty much rule. Whitney and I have become really close. I feel like I am actually able to be there for her like I haven't been able to do for someone in too long.

Blogging is so awkward for me lately. I have to journal for my creative writing class, so I write everything down..but this is just odd now.

I am on spring break. Which..has just been a lot more hours at work. And more creepy guys. Blah. I'm so sick of being hit on at work. I wish guys would actually act like gentlemen. Oh well.

Valentine's Day

2007-02-13T21:39:00.000-08:00

Um.

Yeah.

Pretty excited about that. I've already gotten stuff. And wooo.

Cute:

We watch you dance into hell..'round here

2007-01-09T20:05:00.000-08:00

It's time we speak His mind 'round hurrrrrrr.

Jimmy Needham meets gangster. Holla.

Anywho. Again, I'll say, if you haven't heard this guy Jimmy Needham, you should check.him.out.now. Great stuff.

So, today at church, we had the Lord's Supper. One of the best meals of the day. You know. Filling and redeeming. What a two-in-one bonus. So, I couldn't help but think that as the pastor said "take and drink" how I was having a chance to again start anew. I've felt pretty defeated lately. There is this one sin I keep falling to, and it's driving me nuts. But, you know, it's okay. I'm giving it another go. I've been given the power to be a conqueror through Christ. So, I know I can do it.

I kind of feel like a mess. Like, I have a lot of problems that need to be dealt with. But, at the same time, I feel sorta..peaceful about it. I have actually gotten to this place I haven't been at in ..gee..only God knows how long. It's a good place. I want to clean my room. And, I want to clean my soul. Does that sound lame? Maybe so. But, I'm being totally honest. My room needs to be cleaned now, and it's kind of a picture of how I feel my life looks. And usually, I'm just not disciplined or motivated to do anything about it. I don't like living in chaos, but it has been more appealing than doing the work. So, now, I'm ready for labor. And it might not be fun, but hey, let's turn up the music, enjoy good God time, and it'll be splendid.

Oh yeah, Jimmy. He has this song called "Speak." It's really good. I know God's given me the passion of evangelism, and so the song kind of fits. You know, we always hear about how we should love through actions to share the gospel. But, nowadays, I think that's been hit so hard, that we kind of excuse ourselves from actually speaking the words of life because we are scared or we think we might offend someone. Ummm..sorry to be the one to say it, but the gospel will be offensive to most people. Truth hurts. Changing our easy fleshly behavior to a supernatural calling will not be easy. But, hey! It's okay. It turns out good. So, we do actually need to speak these words we've been given by the Holy God who sends us as apostles of His message to the people He desires to save.

I was reading some notes today at church I wrote at a conference from September. I really loved the conference. It was called Focus. Matt Chandler was the speaker and he's a-ma-zing. We have to live the life that is radical enough to spark a fire in the dark world. We have to BE the change we want to see. And we can't fake it. I mean, I want to be an evangelist. Cool. But, this is a career I can't do alone. I can make myself seem knowledgable, but success can only come from a supernatural power that I cannot produce. So, I must be in communion with God. That's what I have to think about now. It's not about me. I'm just the vessel.

So..yes.

2006-12-20T20:17:00.000-08:00

I don't like Jack anymore. I decided it's stupid and unproductive. And, it doesn't go well with Proverbs 4. So, oh well!

But..well, I actually decided that a while ago. And then, I started going to a new church. And there was this guy who plays in the worship band who always smiled at me..and I was all skadjlk awh, yay. And so basically, I was at a concert with and he was there and we sat in the back and made fun of old school Carman music. It was hilarious. Um..so, I like him. And..how old is he? Hahaha..uhhh..26. Yes. Crazy. But, he's such a cool, funny, godly guy.

SO, we talked alot, and he asked me out! YAY. I actually want to say yes. That nevvvveerrr happens. So, yes. Anyway. I'm just..happy about him.

That is all.

OVEROVEROVEROVER

2006-12-13T10:57:00.000-08:00

IT'S OVER. SCHOOL IS DONE. OH MY GOSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH.

I'm so happy. I made A's in every class but one. Actually, I made the highest grade in every class besides biology. YAY ME.

Whew. That was such a long semester.

I found out some really lame stuff about work, but whatever. It's ..you know. Whatever.

Thanks Pedro and Barbara for leaving comments and being super encouraging. Y'all are cool.

I feel like I don't matter.

2006-12-06T21:48:00.000-08:00

Yeah.

I do.

And I've been sick 4 out of 5 days lately. Apparently, I have a lot of panic attacks. I broke my finger at work. And apparently, stress can even make your foot feel like it's broken. UM.

But I only have three days of school left. Three ridiculously worrisome days. Finals. Ugh.

What's sad is that when school ends I'll not see those few people who still actually talk to me. Why does Brianna not call me back anymore? Why does Jack always seem too busy to talk to me? Why does ____ never seem to care that we dont hang out anymore?

I had an okay day today because I just decided I would. I didn't feel well, but what's more important to me is mental health. I need to be happy again. I'm like so sick of Christmasy spirited people. I'm usually one of them. But I'm like shuuttt upppppp. Lame Jessica. Let them be happy.

Blahblah. I'm complaining. But, Jeremy Camp's song says "this broken road prepares Your will for me." Hey now. Good lyrics, pal.

So..yeah..

2006-11-15T11:58:00.000-08:00

Um. I've had a few good days, finally. I have been sick the last two days, but these have been better. I feel like I'm doing well in school, and I just found out two of my bosses nominated me for employee of the month, and I got it! And it's a huge store..so..I'm really excited to get it after working here two months.

Um. I read these verses today which blew me away. God was talking to me so radically..but man.

Anyway. That's all I have time to say. Thanks to those who have been praying for me.

Complete honesty.

2006-10-29T19:36:00.000-08:00

Because I hate trying to seem happy.

I really don't care if anyone reads this. Actually, I'd probably prefer people not..just because I don't want anyone at all to feel obligated to comment with like..sympathy or anything. I don't want/need advice or encouragement, etc. I just need a moment to be honest.

Jordan told me tonight that while he may be interested in me, he thinks it's just a rebound thing. I think Jack likes me. But I'm not sure. He's so amazing to talk to. Jordan is too, though. I can't tell you how much joy I get from texting Jordan back and forth. They both make me laugh so incredibly much. But, you know. It's me. And guys can't be interested in me past friendship, and if they are..it's irrelevant because I'm not attracted to them. The good guys wouldn't like me, otherwise they wouldn't be good.

I hate school. I'm frickin' sick of stress. Right now, my heart hurts. Badly. It scares me because I don't know what it means. Does this normally happen? Ugh, I have to like press down on my chest to make the pain bearable, sometimes.

I hate the way I look. I think I'm hideous. I feel like I should be anorexic because I'm too fat, but I'm just too lazy. Which makes me hate it more. I listen to songs about coping through eating disorders, and rather than feel sad for the girls, I'm jealous because I wish I could be that skinny.

I work all the time, yet I have no money. I get my paycheck, and once my tithe, savings, car insurance, gas money, phone bill are taken out, I have about $20 to last me til the next check and it makes me cry because it's all this stress for..seemingly nothing.

I have a ton of schoolwork to get done, but I can't focus well because I'm just so worried. My mom keeps telling me I'm disappointing her. She doesn't think I'm reaching my potential, and I feel like a failure. I have the highest grade in biology, but the highest is a B, so that's not good. I hate it. This semester sucks so badly.

I never get to sleep but on Saturday morning.

I avoid talking to God because I feel like such a failure. There is this sin..that I keep going back to, and I hate it. I hate myself sometimes for falling back into it so much. Ugh, why do I let it control me when I hate it? I know, I know, Paul said it before me, but it's so unfuriating. Everything is going wrong right now, and I really need joy.

My aunt is doing awfully. She is in jail, now. And because she couldn't get ahold of any alcohol, she drank orange extract which is basically everclear. This is a mess.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. I can't handle this, but I don't feel as if can go to God because I can't conquer this sin. And I can't keep apologizing for it because it seems so fake.

Because of the Lord's Great Love..

2006-10-25T06:27:00.000-07:00

We are not consumed.

So like. Yeah..really bad three weeks, right? Right. Definitely. Amidst it, this pretty little girl Salena said "hey Jessica, read Lamentations 3." I kept meaning to, but I kept forgetting. So like..one particulary not so bueno night, my friend Jack asked me to tell him some of my favorite Bible verses. So, I picked up my Bible, dusted it off (ehhh) and tried looking for highlighted stuff.

And out of a page, my bookmark falls. Where was it? No other place than Lamentations 3. It was a in a section I had highlighted, underlined, boxed in, etc. This was a passage of Scripture I loved, but had apparently forgotten about. It says:

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.
28 Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him.
29 Let him bury his face in the dust—there may yet be hope.
30 Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.
31 For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
33 For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.

Ah. Amazing. Like, these verses had gotten me through so much before, but I was so hesitant to give my problems to God because I guess I don't think He cares much? Like..why does he need to worry about my cell phone bill that went $150 over when he has children dying of aids? Anyways. Yeah, it was crazy amazing and cool to be reminded of this. It crazy changed my mood. God's looking out for me. And He's given me crazy cool friends.

:)

Next Thing Ya Know..

2006-10-17T06:36:00.000-07:00

Um.

Woo.

I have had three days off of work. I'm not gonna lie. It's been nice. And I'm not gonna lie and say everythingi s peachy, again. But I'll say things have looked up not due to a circumstance change, but a mindset change.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I wish I always remembered that. I hate reading my old blogs where I just rant and rave about how awful everything is. Blah on that.

Let's see. Boys. Haha. Ohhhh my. I went on a date with this guy named Jacob. We just talked for like four hours. It was nice. But the thing is..I don't think I'm interested in him romanctically at all. He's kind of intense to be around. So is his best friend. They both are elitist. They believe they are better than everyone at my school. This isn't my saying it, this is what they admit to. They say they are trying to fix that, which is good. But, it's hard for me to be around them because I like meeting new dorky people. Dorky people do not amuse them. Um, hi? I have one life. So, I want to try to be fun and tell lame jokes. And I couldn't date a guy who didnt' like that.

Anyways. I'm totally cool with being friends with him. He's still nice. But..Jack..OHSNAP. Another "J" boy, really? It was Justin, Jake, Jacob, Jack. Haha. My mom is sick of my "J" phase.

Won't You open my eyes..so that I can see

2006-10-12T09:05:00.001-07:00

1 Peter 5:9-11 (Amplified Bible)

Amplified Bible (AMP)

9Withstand him; be firm in faith [against his onset--rooted, established, strong, immovable, and determined], knowing that the same (identical) sufferings are appointed to your brotherhood (the whole body of Christians) throughout the world.

10And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace [Who imparts all blessing and favor], Who has called you to His [own] eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen, and settle you.

11To Him be the dominion (power, authority, rule) forever and ever. Amen (so be it)

So..yeah..I've had this picture thing hanging on my wall forever that I made. It says "No matter how I feel, God is worthy to be praised." And, one of those comments basically said that. I realized yesterday how easy it is to fall into the woeisme rut. But, it's okay. I have plenty to be thankful for. It will still be hard, but I need to try to change the way I view my circumstances.

So, you say you want new life?

2006-10-10T07:24:00.000-07:00

Or how about..A new life?

Maybe? Ugh. Leeland. They were amazing. They knew me..I got to chill with them backstage and they were all "hey, you're Jessica, right?" Yeah, so we're on a first name basis now.

But I'm just so stressed out. I literally feel like I'm having a heart attack sometimes. I get dizzy...and I can't breathe..and I get really bad chest pains. Gosh dang, if my left arm starts hurting some day, I'll freak out. Well, moreso than I already am. I'm sick of stress. I'm sick of everything going wrong. I'm sick of trying to pretend like I'm happy around me friends. I'm freaking sick of them calling me ever freaking day to hang out when I've made it abundantly clear THAT I AM BUSY RIGHT NOW. Gaddangit, I told you I'd call when I have time. Sure, I'd like to also be a bum and drop out of school and babysit kids during the day and party all night. But not all of us lack motivation to become something greater than that. So, some of us are in school and working. Ughghghghg.

I'm just so frustrated. I get back a lot of work from professors today..namely my biology test that I studied and worried about SO MUCH for like 2 weeks. I need to make an A for it to have all been worth it..If I don't..ugh. I'll totally probably cry. I hope I can go to my Bible study tonight. I haven't been great with God lately because of this crap. I get so angry that it all comes in heaps. So, it doesn't help that I blow off the one friend who I'm supposed to lean on. I'm telling Him I'll call back later, too. But, I can't.

And I say HEY, you are the one..

2006-10-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

..That I've been looking for..

Anyways. I like Leeland. Um, I'm going to see them Wednesday again with Jake. So, I really liked Jake. He's been like one of my best friends for a long time. We have some of the weirdest things in common. But um, I haven't ever said anything about it because I know he likes some girl named Britney. When he talks about her..it like hurts to hear it. Just cause he's an amazing godly guy who is so cool and refreshing.

Um, -Enter Natalie- (old best friend who I can't trust with anything)

She tells him how much I like him. She just goes on and on. I didn't know they talked. Um, dang. So he calls me and is like "I know why you were upset last week.." And I"m like "Uh..you do?" So, he proceeds to tell me he knows about my liking him. That had VERY little to do with why my week last week was so bad, but..I didn't say that. I dunno. Um, awkward? I'm going to a show with him Wednesday and it's just us and I don't want it to be all weird now. Gosh dangit, Natalie why the heck did you pick tonight? Ugh.

Oh well. Um, I have some crazy amazing stories, but I don't feel like typing them now. Just know, God is alive and working among His people. In amazing ways.

Ugh..ugh ugh ugh.

2006-09-25T06:07:00.000-07:00

I had the frickin' worst weekend ever. Starts out with an almost trip to the emergency room from slicing my ankle open at work. Moves to being ditched by "friends" and the climax, Sunday- the absolute worst day of my life. Like, actually it's just birthed what will be the frickin' worst next two weeks.

I couldn't explain how horrible yesterday was. All I can say is thinking about it makes me sick. I was in one of those places I haven't been for a really long time, but I'm there more than ever. I just want to crawl up in a hole and be away from everyone for frickin' ever. I won't be half as honest as I could be here, but it doesn't matter anyway.

Oh no bueno, senor!!

2006-09-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

Maybe I am a fairweather friend sometimes with God. That's not good. I realized this while stocking lemons yesterday. Kinda..ironic, eh? It was such a bad day and I was upset with God about it. But God gave me lemons and an epiphany so I could make some lemonade (which..just..by the way, I dislike alot).

Just cause I have some great days some times..doesn't mean that my bad days are unfair. I just need to be super grateful for the good days and super trusting on the bad.

That's about all I have to say for now. I'm pretty content without a boyfriend, finally cause I have such great guy friends. It's super nice.

Oh my oh my.

2006-09-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

So, basically, a lot of times my blog is kinda..rantish and depressing. I just vent about all these bad things going on. Pretty lame, eh? Yes. It happens. But, like, I'm so happy.

I don't know what's been up this week, or month..or..year..whatever. I just am so content. I keep listening to this band, Leeland, and it blows me away. This guy wrote these songs at age 17. He jsut turned 18, but like..the lyrics and music blow me away. I seriously think this will be my favorite band of all time. If you haven't heard them, you NEED to check them out. Now. Finish reading this blog after you get the cd.

But seriously. I'm so utterly in love with God. He is so amazing, and I can be so..undeserving of His grace, yet He is consistently with me. I can feel His companionship like no other time in my life. It's like, at times, I understand Paul's wanting to leave this earth just to be with Him. Today, I've just been sitting outside in this amazing weather, listening to these worshipful songs and talking to Him. This has for sure been the mountaintop I've never experienced before. I could go on and on. But, this song I'm listening to now called "Carried to the Table" just talks about how Christ, our Saviour, carries us to dine with Him in His supernatural love, grace, and mercy. We cannot possibly make it there on our own, but He sweeps us off our feet with His love. We have no brokenness at His table. We are able to fellowship with the Lord..the mighty Maker of heaven and earth.

I wish I could convey the immense joy I have. I'm absolutely exhausted from the ridiculous amount of work I've been doing and still need to do, but finally, through it I'm still completely at rest. I have such peace.

I can't say all I want to, as it'd be a book, but ..to the Christians in the house..seek Him. He so wants to carry you to His table.

You've Stolen My Heart..

2006-09-12T08:24:00.000-07:00

Yes you have.

I love this new band, Leeland. I'm going to see them tonight with my friend Jake. Jake grew up in school and church with them and they're all great friends, so I'm totally going out to eat with Leeland and Jake after the show. Exciting.

What's more exciting, though, was this past weekend. I went to a conference in Dallas called "Focus." Oh my. God changed my world and everything in it. I'm so excited about reaching the lost. I just want to meet anyone and everyone I can. This is nuts, like I'm really content. I want to know everything i can about my God. The speaker talked about evangelism alot. I loved it. I took a 6 hour seminar on it.

My goodness. I don't know that I've ever been this in love with God. I was really struggling with this one sin..it was rough. Really really hard for me to deal with. But, like that was my problem. I thought I could deal with it. As if, I had the power. I don't. I had to give it to Him, and while it's hard to overcome still, really hard, I know that I'm not doing it myself. I just talk to Him through my temptation.

I dunno. Be encouraged that our God is so big and that He is totally in control.

Well..

2006-09-03T19:13:00.000-07:00

In a day and a half, I'll be eighteen. That's fun. I'm so sleepy right now. I went shopping today. Didn't get much cause fall stuff is too expensive now. Can't wait for sales.

A&M won their first football game. It was amazing.

I had my surprise party last night. It was really fun. I actually initially thought it would be last night, but by the time it happened, I was so thrown off, I was actually very much surprised. Fun, fun.

Tomorrow night is fun times, and then Tuesday! My birthday. I know, I make such a big deal about it, but it's my favorite day of the year, for sure. I get really jazzed.

Sophomore in college, hollar.

2006-08-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

School starts Monday. I'm totally excited. I've been pretty unentertained lately, so this will be great to start meeting some new cool kids.

More importantly, my birthday is in a week. I found out my friends are throwing me a surprise party, but I don't know when/where/what kind of party it is, so I'll still be somewhat caught off-guard. It's rad because I've never had one, before.

I went on the most hilarious date, ever last night. Oh my goodness, this guy was like the most awkward creature in the world. I'm sure we'll be friends, but haha, I couldn't ever go on another date with him. I thought it was pretty much understood mutually that it didn't work out well..just not compatible..but then he called and left me a voicemail saying what a great time he had and asked me out for next week. Oh, boy, funny.

What has happened to this world?

2006-08-18T23:04:00.000-07:00

Have people gone crazy? What makes a person think they have the right to tell someone they are nothing special, and shouldn't set high standards for guy as they don't deserve them?

I'm just so frustrated with this.

Today, for the first time in..God only knows how long..I looked at myself in the mirror and didn't think I should be on a diet or make myself sick or something. I felt good about myself. I have been good with God, and that's enough for me. It's all I should want.

But then, of course, Satan knows that I am content, so he sends a guy named James to tell me I'm worthless simply because I turned him down on a date. Well..this time, I'm not gonna listen. Ha, man..this just happened last week with Clint.

Oh well. I'd rather be single, than dating a jerk. And, pffft, high standards are good. :)

Uh..wow.

2006-08-14T23:27:00.000-07:00

Talk about encouraging:

http://blog.brockgill.com/2006/08/meet-jessica.html

Selfish people and marijuana.

2006-08-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

Today was an awful, awful day. I was put in a situation where I was surrounded by drunk guys who were all lighting up and getting high.

I hatehatehate alcohol and drugs. I am so frickin' sick of people in this town who think the only dang way to have fun is by being so wasted. It's all people do. The only people who don't drink are those like 2 Christians who are the ones that make the world think we're all dull. I did everything I could to avoid the drinking/smoking by talking to people on my phone semi-away from the mess, but my friend kept saying how much I was inconveniencing her.

The truth is, I make her feel guilty, simply because she knows that she, as a 17 yr old Christian girl, has no dang business smoking weed with 29 year old guys...and getting drunk. It's ridiculous. No, I will not apologize for feeling uncomfortable and distancing myself from this crap. Sorry that makes you feel bad, but tough. I won't compromise for your problems.

I hate that I can't hang out with her. Best friends since 4th grade, and she'll throw it away for some momentary highs.

Some songs capture me perfectly.

2006-08-09T13:50:00.000-07:00

"Mirror"

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, No, no, no I won't try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, Nooo I won't try

You don't define me.

Day...Seven? I think..

2006-08-07T18:40:00.000-07:00

Almost one week of super healthy Jessica is complete. No dr pepper (which has literally caused a 6 day headache. It's still here!), tons of fruit/veggies, no crappy stuff.

I'm excited. Some people say it's all about feeling healthy, but I think moreso for me, it's about feeling pretty. Hah, such a girrrrll.

Anywho, I might get to transfer to ETBU in the spring! Hollar! That's so exciting. I need to call my counselour and see if I really have that many classes left to take at my current college. The sooner I leave, the cooler. Independence's sweet call is drawing me away, and I couldn't be more thrilled.

So cute.

What an amazing night..

2006-07-27T23:21:00.000-07:00

This week I've been leading junior high girls small groups at my city wide conference. Tonight was amazing. I don't feel like retyping the story, so I'll copy an email I just sent my pal Donna, the speaker's wife:

"Well, howdy. This is Jessica.

Um, so basically, tonight was nuts. Completely crazy. When I interned for Brock Gill, I saw emails and letters from people who had been delivered from addictions, self mutilation, etc at his events. I learned tonight that reading an email and talking to someone who's experienced the freedom are two completely different things.

Tonight during the invitation a girl named Rachel came to talk to me. I'd had a few other girls who'd talked to me the previous days about how they obssessed about their appearance, and how they were consumed by wanting a guy to like them, etc. So, I basically expected more of the same. God had a different girl planned for me, though. Rachel sat down and told me she had been molested by her babysitter since she was 6, she was raped, she tried to commit suicide several times, she had a tumor from drugs, she became a prostitute and just found out she was pregnant, and her chance of survival was at less than one percent unless she had an abortion. Then, she told me she was 14.

She had tried to kill herself with seven shots a friend had given her of some type of drug. It didn't work although she used all seven. Her friend then told her that three would kill anyone.

I prayed with her for a long time. You could see immense joy in her eyes. She said God had brought her to BYC and used Ben to convey the grace she so desperately sought. She had found plenty of condemnation at her church. What she couldn't grasp was that God's grace had redeemed her and made her a new creature. But when she talked to me, she seemed to finally get it. She understood that her God was the Father that wouldn't harm her like her earthly father. He wanted to make something beautiful out of what had happened. She knew God hadn't allowed her to perish from the shots because He had an amazing plan for her life.

I think God blessed me greatly by talking to a fourteen year old who had decided that from tonight on out, she would no longer go back to the life of prostitution. She said the one second high wasn't worth the intimate love she was experiencing.

I know Brock was blessed to hear the stories of how God was using his ministry to change lives. Sometimes as youth ministry workers, the only benefits are the stories. So, I thought I'd share this one. Thank Ben for me, for being faithful to do the work that so few will do. This summer, while interning, I saw many youth speakers. I've honestly only seen one other (the actual guy I interned for) with the anointing Ben has. It's intimidating for me to even stand near him. Hah, seriously, I wouldn't even introduce myself.

Thanks Donna. It's the Godly women like you who inspire me. Y'all are two cool kids. "

I love how God used me to encourage her, but He used her to inspire me. Ahhh, it was perfect timing, too.

So, basically..

2006-07-26T21:20:00.000-07:00

I think I'm a snob. I came to this conclusion tonight while making a sandwich after a failed attempt at making something more complicated.

Basically, there are two people who can call me and have me actually answer my phone. The other..hundred or so contacts will usually reach my voicemail which says something like this "Hello. You've reached Jessica's phone. She is probably available, but she probably just doesn't want to talk to you. SO, if you leave a message that she deems worthy of a returned call, a returned call you shall get." It was kind of a joke, but basically, it's pretty much true.

I have very few friends who I consistently want to hang out with. Most people call, and I just don't want to talk with them. I don't really enjoy it. Mostly, I like being alone if I can't be with the few I really like. I'd honestly rather sit in my room for ten weeks in a row than go out with people who bore me like most people I know, do.

Is that awful? I really do avoid people alot. Ahhhh, I'm so reclusive nowadays since I've been back. My missed phone call list is filled up daily, whole my answered list goes back two weeks. Seriously.

But then, I think about it and feel badly because I think sometimes I do to others what I fear is being done to me. I think those I desire to talk with most are those who want to talk to me least.

In one month..

2006-07-23T22:01:00.000-07:00

I turn 87. I don't know what to do in order to celebrate this event.

I mean, your 18th birthday..I mean 87th birthday..has to be good.

Ideas?

This song perfectly fits my life right now. I looooove it.

Charlie Hall
Marvelous light

I once was fatherless,
a stranger with no hope;
Your kindness wakened me,
Awakened me,
from my sleep

Your love it beckons deeply
a call to come and die.
By grace now I will come
And take this life, take your life.

Sin has lost it's power,
death has lost it's sting.
From the grave you've risen
VICTORIOUSLY!

Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life,
you are the way

My dead heart now is beating,
My deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs.
Now I'm free.
now I'm free!

Lift my hands and spin around,
See the light that i have found.
Oh the marvelous light
Marvelous light

Lift my hands and spin
See the light within...

Unworthy..

2006-07-21T20:47:00.000-07:00

is how I feel.

Unworthy and undeserving of people's time, conversation, attention, etc.

I am so lonely.

Leave. me. alone.

2006-07-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

Geez. My parents are ridiculous.

I can't do ANYTHING by myself. My dad feels the need to be constantly telling me to read some book or make sure I have this and that done, and my mom is like "why didn't you call ETBU, yet?"Don't you want a job? You know you need to save money for college!

Uh, yea. I'm reading like 8 books right now, so hey, yours can wait! And yes, I've done what I need to do. I've been able to think of little else besides finding a new job. I wake up early and call places and get applications. And yes, I did in fact call ETBU, but I just didn't rush out to tell you, as they are finding information for me to email. So, there's nothing to tell, but it doesn't mean I didn't do it.

I am not stupid. I'm not ten. I know what I need to do, and shocker! I can actually do it. Freaking independence is so far off. I have only like fifteen more hours I can take at my current college, so I'm all excited because maybe then I can transfer in the spring. But, oh no, "Jessica, you're not ready. You can't even call your ETBU counselour. You need a full year at home." I freaking called him. I did it. And once I'm 18, if I want to transfer early, I will. I can't freaking stand it. My friends get to do so much more than me. When will my parents learn that this technique sucks and keeping me at home all the time so they can be with me will eventually make me leave so much sooner and have no desire to come back.

fjklskjflkdsjflkjfkldsj

I'm so frustrated.

Ahhhhhh. Blah.

2006-07-19T19:21:00.000-07:00

And thus, I remember why I hate blogs.

No more commenting on other people's blogs for me. It just makes me feel stupid.

Well, mostly.

My internship

2006-07-14T19:39:00.000-07:00

This was the group of people I was mostly with during my four week adventure eastward. It was basically the best time of my life. I have been going absolutely nuts at home without places to go, and those people to see. It's sad being without them, but I will see them again, soon. I know I will.

People keep asking me to tell them about my experience. It's hard to really put into words. I gained so much knowledge on so many things, but most importantly, I have a whole huge changed perspective. Nothing is the same now, because I've seen how it can be if I choose to make it that way. Confusing? Yea, I don't really know how to explain it, other than to say, I've tasted something great, and I don't think I want to go back to my old "diet."

My friend Jane just sent me a text message saying "I'm watching fireworks, and I'm nervous." Haha, good times. While I was in Georgia, we watched the 4th of July fireworks. They had them super close to the convention center where everyone sat. So, there was firework debris falling everywhere, and I see..a piece coming at me..that's still on fire. It was scary. It actually was about to hit the guy next to me, but he kicked it right into my face. It totally burned, and then was in my hair, on fire. So, yea, I definitely got to sit in the back of an ambulance for my first time.

So many "first times" occurred. I think my current obssession is the development of a time machine to either go back in time so I can relive the month, or one that will go in fast forward to when I meet up with "Family Force 4" again.

Yea. I miss those kids.

Hot Summer Nights

2006-07-13T21:51:00.000-07:00

Haha. Man, this song is amazing. If you know what song I'm talking about, you win. It's making me laugh like none other.

Also, I got this message today. It makes me happy. From Kyle:

Dear Jessica,

Why did Jessica cross the road?

Because she was trying to evangelize the chicken.

Love,
Kyle.

Yay.

Foodadora.

2006-07-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

Guacomole is good. I like it. When my phone rings, I hear Brock talking. I didn't want it set for EVERYONE, but it is. It's funny. The end.

Farewell.

2006-07-07T13:00:00.000-07:00

So, basically, I'm sitting in the airport. I have three hours to kill.

Um, so, I get in the car to ride to the airport, and the lady asks me where I'm flying to. It literally takes me like 2 minutes to answer her because I am trying not to cry. Yea. Like, now it's hard too, just thinking about it. I won't in front of all these people, but believe me, it's gonna be a ROUGH weekend.

Um, yea, these were seriously without a doubt the best four weeks of my life. This next period will be crappy because my friends moved, and all I do is work. But, in a way, I'm excited..in a small way. Brock was talking about how the crappiest time in his life was also the sweetest because it was just him and Jesus. It'll be good for me to completely be alone with Him, but as a social person, it will be really hard, too.

No more writing for me so I can focus on something else. Shout out to Family Force 4. I love y'all.

What happens in Vegas..

2006-07-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

Comes home with you to be shared with everyone?

Yea, not how the saying goes, right? Well, hey, let's try something new. Brock, the guy I'm interning for, used this term to talk about how what is learned and experienced at this youth camp must be taken home and played out. It can't stay in the auditorium because no one will benefit from some dramatic scene that resulted in no change.

So, yeah, I'm not one of the campers, but this totally applies to me. I've been with Brock, Auny, and Stephy for almost 4 weeks now. It's been absolutely incredible. I have no idea how I'm going to leave them on Friday. The thought of it absolutely scares me like none other. I have met these people who I click with on so many levels..people who I feel like actually understand me and my calling and my thinking..

That may sound strange, but where I live I have friends who understand parts of me. I have my fun friends..my spiritual friends..my spontaneous friends..my work friends..I have no one who actually can I can relate with on more than one or two levels. It's like perfect here. I am so scared to go home again and be lonely. I don't want to work 6-7 days a week where all I do is stay at a restaurant and afterwards I'm too tired to do anything. What do I do, though?

When I think about how my summer was before I left for my internship, I just think of a dark room..like, I'd wake up, go to work, come home and sleep. I have to work, but I can't do it like I am now.

I am so confused. I just want to spend time with God and have Him reveal to me what my days need to look like. I mostly need God to bring me a companion. I need someone to talk to and hang with.

Aw. There's no place like ..home? Whoever said that was on crack. I miss my family, but they can move to Tennessee.

Good times, yo.

2006-06-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

So, yep. Being in Georgia has been amazing. God's done some incredible things. And I've totally got to do some hands on stuff relating to my career. It's exciting, yo.

Being away from Clint has been GOOD. I definitely won't be hanging with him when I return. Not only am I satisfied without him, but I realize that godly guys actually do exist. Go figure. I'll just have to leave Brenham.

Anywho, yay. I'm staying an extra week and life is lovely.

Nashville is amazing.

2006-06-16T08:38:00.000-07:00

I'm never ever leaving.

I've met tons of famous Christian artists. And tomorrow I meet my future husband, Tim Foreman from Switchfoot.

Good times.

Uno mas dia!

2006-06-10T21:32:00.000-07:00

On Monday morning I am definitely flying (for the first time ahhhhh!) to Nashville! I will be there for one week and then I will be going to Georgia for two more weeks to intern for Brock Gill! Wooooooooooot. I've basically had this countdown going for about three months..well, actually since like February 25th. I'm so psyched.

I haven't been out of Texas since I was six, and then it was just Oklahoma. Whoop de do. I'm so excited. I need to pack my entire room. I'm a girl, and I'll be gone three weeks. That requires like seventeen suitcases. At LEAST. Seriously..

Maybe I can invent a teleporter so I can just transport back and forth as I need things. That'd be awesome.

Anywho, yay, Jessica is excited. Also, cool blogging friends, I'd muchly appreciate it if you prayed for Brock's wife Auny who is having surgery on her shoulder Tuesday. She's pretty much the coolest kid, and yea. Prayer is great.

KAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. Yay.

Good Morning Beautiful

2006-06-03T21:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, wow. I had the most..incredibly different past few days. Mostly because of a girl named Emily and a boy named Clinton. Here goes!

So, Emily and I work together at a restaurant. She's basically my best friend. I love her to death. So, anywho, we work with another guy named Kyle. Emily has known Kyle for a while cause he lived right above her at the college apartments. So, Kyle came in sometimes to eat when he wasn't working since he's like in love with Emily. Well, Kyle has this roommate named Clinton. So, he brought Clint with him when he came to eat. So, I'm cleaning tea pots, and I walk out and this guy Clint was like "I know you!" Cause I met him once like a long time ago. And that was about it. I talked to Emily about how I thought he was cute (cause we're girls and that's what we do) and apparently he had told her he thought I was really pretty. So, she told him what I said. So, he came over and asked me what my plans were after work and if he could call me. Sooooo, I gave him my number. I didn't hang with him that night though, cause I was tired.

So, next day, Em asks me to chill with her after work at her apartment. So, that's what I plan on doing. And then, we're at work..and guess who comes in? Clint and Kyle! Haha. So, they asked for my section this time. Well, he asked what my plans were, and I told him I was chilling with Emily. So, they call us after work and we go hang out with them. And yea, we talked until about 7am that morning. Crazy.

Next day, I go to work. And guess who comes in again? Clint and Kyle! Oh man, and he was all dressed up. It was adorable. Of course I looked like poo (in my opinion) cause I slept for like 3 hours. And I went with Emily after work again. So, they called us and we went to hang out with them. And anyhow, long story short, we ended up dancing to this song "Good Morning Beautiful" and it was adorable. Then, I was sitting on the ground and we were playing cards and he asked if I was ticklish. I'm the most ticklish person in the entire world. So, I was like "Uh..no..not at all" and quickly started scooting back. So, he was all "oh yea you are!" So, he tickled me until I jerked my head up and nailed it on the bed rail. So, I was lying on the ground with a big knot on my head. He felt really bad. But then he leaned over and kissed me! Yea. It was like a movie.

Then tonight at work I heard "Good Morning Beautiful" and it made me really excited. Hah, awh, I'm such a girl.

So, like, I don't know what to do from here, though. Apparently he really likes me. All his friends say he can't ever talk to a girl for more like ten minutes at a time. And we talked for like 6 hours. So, they are all amazed..but..I am not sure. I'm just gonna chill for a bit.

My McDonald's Epiphany

2006-05-30T11:29:00.002-07:00

I love the word epiphany.

Anywho, I was getting my little sister one of those new strawberry smoothies from McDonalds (so, so, so not worth the $2.50 which is a ridiculous price for 'em anyway) I saw an Army officer in his uniform. He was waiting for his food, as was I with several other people (as is typical..waiting not eating..). He was sorta "making his rounds" talking to the 18-20ish young men there. He just asked them about their life, school, goals, future, etc. It really impressed me. I mean, not only is this guy out fighting for MY country, but even off the clock he takes the time to care about people.

He amazed me. Like, am I like him? Do I sacrifice for others? Do I sacrifice with character? I mean, when I do something for someone else's benefit, do I do with it grace making the person I serve feel best at ease? This man serves a mostly ungrateful country, it seems. No matter what your view on the war, you've got to appreciate these men and women who don't just take time out of their day to help, they take their entire life to serve. What a Christ-like example.

I'm a really shy person, but I really wanted to thank this man for what he does, on and off the battlefield. I was completely freaked, but I know how much it means to me when I even get a compliment on my jeans, so I know this guy would appreciate gratitude. So, I just said "Excuse me, sir? I wanted to say thanks. For everything you do. " Thats about all I could get out. And he just smiled..like he really meant it and said "You're welcome." And that was it. And thinking about it makes me near tears because I want to be that kind of person..

Remember our troops in your prayers.

I work with druglords.

2006-05-27T21:14:00.000-07:00

Ha, oh man oh man. My morning shift coworkers are crazy. Like, this one girl has some prescription that she doesn't use anymore, so she sells all these pills to people..for them to sell..

It's crazy. They smoke pot, do lines of cocaine, pop pills..everything! They try to get tips to buy drugs and sell 'em. It's insane. The night crew is better, but they still have some crazy people too.

Man. I gotta be on my guard, cause I think God put where I am for a reason. I'm like the only Christian.

Duuuuuuuuuuude.

2006-05-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

I am so tired. Day one of working twelve hours is over! I've been up since 5am, and it's like 10:30pm. I will go to sleep soon, and wake up to do it again!

But it was awesome. I kicked some hardcore chinese food ..rear end? I can't be taboo.

none of my California "friends" answered my questions. I use the term friend very lightly.

;)

Can't touch this

2006-05-24T20:04:00.000-07:00

dun dun dun dun..

Anywho. Yay! Tomorrow my restaurant FINALLY opens. I'm excited. I work 10am-10pm. That's TWELVE hours. Man. I will do that for a while. But hey, kids, I'm excited. That means money for my internship!

This post is dedicated to my new group of cool kid friends in California. I don't know y'all. Tell me about yourself. Name, age, occupation, favorite food..favorite band..biggest FEAR, and why you like me so much. Erm, I meant what is your favorite poultry.

I'm not alright.

2006-05-23T23:28:00.000-07:00

I'm broken inside. -Sanctus Real

Warning: This blog is depressing. I don't think anyone would read it anyway, but just in case for some bizarre reason, someone's bored..you may want to stop here.

Sigh. That's how I feel right now. Well, for a while now. I am so lonely. All my friends went home for the summer. I haven't seen anyone in like 3 weeks. And..yea, some people have the ability to make you feel like crap without even knowing it.

Kyle asked me out. Again. For about the 8th time. I'm sorry, but how many times will I have to say no? Zach tells me that I should think of him as a brother, a friend, or whatever it is that I need to in order that I don't get hurt by him. Haha, wow. Arrogant, much? I'm actually not interested in guys that lead people on. Shocker there!

I sound awfully bitter. Well, right now I'm sad. I've cried myself to sleep the last two nights. It's awful feeling so isolated. Turning on your phone, praying for a voicemail, checking your email, hoping someone's sent you something, calling people to have them not answer..

But honestly, whenever anyone's called the last week, I havent' answered. I was lonely with my "friends" here. I am not very close with anyone. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. And..when I tell people things, it comes back to haunt me:

Justin: yeah well... i could keep apologizing but that's pointless
Justin: i'll just leave now
Justin: and don't worry, i feel REALLY bad about it
Jessica: yea, well, not as bad as me
Justin: hopefully you'll let me talk to you again later
Justin: i really didnt realise i was saying something that would cut so deep
Justin: i honestly wish i could take it back, what i said, but i can't and much as saying sorry seems weak, its the best i can do
Justin: alright, i'm shutting up now. bye jess. i'll hopefully be able to talk to you later.

I don't know why I'm posting this. Maybe because this blog is my thoughts..and this is all I can think about. I need a friend. I'm not alright.

Ya know how people will tell you that someone must be CRAZY not to like you? I hate hearing that. Especially from someone I like.

I usually feel pretty safe writing down all these lame emo kid thoughts because I don't ever figure someone will want to read it.

Musical maturity

2006-05-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

So..something interesting I noticed.

There is an interesting development that occurs with most praise and worship artists. If you check out their freshman cd, there songs are kinda..depressing. It's all about how unworthy we are, how sinful we are, how we don't deserve what God gives us, but by SOME miracle He still loves us..

Yikes.

But then..maybe..by their second or third cd, a strange phenomenon occurs. They have this epiphany that ..it isn't about us! Like, their songs become lyrically uplifting to God rather than detrimental to ourselves. Everything is about how good God is, how wonderful His grace is, How everlasting His love is, etc. I think two things have occurred:

A. We stop looking at ourselves and how unworthy we are. We focus on the solution, rather than the problem. When I get closer to Him, "I" become irrelevant. How I am by nature is lost when who He is comes into focus.

B. We see that He is big enough to cover all our weaknesses. Sure, upon birth we're all pretty miserable, but it totally doesn't matter. We begin to see how amazing He is, and His ability to cover us. Our weakness only makes Him bigger because He defeated them.

I dunno. I think God's pretty much off the chain.

I'd rather sings songs of praise to the God of infinite love and power, instead of songs meant to make me feel all down about myself. Since the time I became saved, I have been considered a saint.

Um.

2006-05-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

So..it isn't good for me to be lonely..and then ..see what people comment on myspace..

I dunno..I'm such a girl sometimes. But, I try to be nice to everyone. And yet..nevermind. This is stupid.

I'm not gonna talk about this where people would have to read it.

I need my friends to come back.

I sure am intellectual at 2am!

2006-05-22T00:06:00.000-07:00

I think it should be "surely" but that doesn't sound correct.

Moving on! Again. It's late and I cannot sleep. I daydream quite frequently as of late. I find I am quite the overachiever in my dreams. Of course, I can do absolutely anything and everything, and I can manipulate others to do the same.

I think my generation has a very watered down understanding of God. When one looks at Martin Luther, John Wycliffe, William Tyndale, or any of the men of God from times past, they had such a different..concept of God. Today, so many teens are sold this idea of "anticonformity." Be different! Don't conform! Take charge of your life and don't listen to your parents, government, church! Only YOU know what's right for your life.

?

It's ridiculous. I mean, people used to have respect, and a reverential fear for the Almighty God, Creator of the universe, the Sustainer of life..but now He's just "another authority figure trying to dictate our life." We don't see Him as powerful. He's just..there..somehow floating and He has no relevance in our life. I'm sure Satan is just brimming with glee over this lie he's been so successful selling. God is completely relevant in everything because He made everything. He predestined us as sons and daughters so that we might know Him and receive His grace.

I wish things could be real. God is taught as distant. He wouldn't interact with us..of course not. He's not a personal God. But...no! He is. He is a personal, loving, interactive God-Father.

Ugh. This is probably very jumbled and incoherent. But..it just bothers me. As someone who wants to do youth ministry/evangelism as a career, I've been given a passion for the lost youth..and it just sickens me to see what they are being told.

Dum de dum dum dum

2006-05-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

I'm such an emo kid sometimes. My dad is cool. I just hate driving with him. Seriously. Brenham drivers basically are chickens with no heads. So..

Moving on. I cannot belieeeeeve the job God brought me. It's amazing! Seriously, it blows me away how wonderful it is. Like, I will make so much more money than I did at the library, and actually have fun. Plus, they hired me, knowing I'd be gone for a good 3 weeks in the middle of the summer. Kudos to God on that one.

I am being all insomniac like again, lately. I hate not being able to sleep. Like, now, it's midnight. And..I have work tomorrow..so I'd like to be sleeping. But I can't.

Oh well. When I am working my double shifts and running around all day, I'll be tired for sure. Tired and rich! Muhahah. Except..45% is college savings..10% is tithe..so..I really won't make that much pocket money. Oh well.

Sometimes things just suck

2006-05-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

Yea, so..it's summer. I'm excited, and then ..not so much. I'm glad my mom, sister, and I get along well since we're home all day together. But my dad can just be such..AGH. Like, he's all "oh you're so mature, and I'm proud of you. blah, etc" yet he never actually ACTS like it.

Geez, I'm about to be a sophomore in college. I earn all my own money to buy my own stuff. I get along well with my siblings. I am involved in church activites and am in ALL FOUR honor societies my college has. Literally, my friend's mom's ALWAYS tell me how glad they are that their kids are friends with me because I'm such a good kid. Yea, that stuff is great, but it doesn't get me anywhere. Sometimes it's just like he

okay. so in the middle of writing, he decided to come yell at me. I don't feel like finishing this.

School is over!

2006-05-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

Ah, man. Day one of summer was absolutely wonderful today. Yesterday was SUCH an incredibly stressful day trying to finish finals and find out my grades. Goodness gracious, yuck. But, I'll probably have about a 3.6 which is a bummer since I thought I'd have a 4.0. Oh well. Such is life.

So, I have a cool summer in front of me. My friends are all gone! But that's okay, because I'm going to Naaaaaashville and Geoooooorgia! Yep, rad? Indeed. Muchly. Hah, I'm psyched.

I'm planning on late nights and late mornings for a little bit. :) Why? Because I can. And I need to work, too.

I got Blue Like Jazz, and am excited about reading it.

-Le sigh-

2006-05-06T14:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, so, most of my compadres finished their finals yesterday. So, they are going home. But, they aren't coming back next year..so. It's sad I won't ever see them. Like, some live far away and it's goodbye. Tragic.

I have one more day of finals. After Monday at 2:00pm, I will be done. So finished.

Anyways, my friends are all getting into relationships now. It's cute, but then sad. People keep being so surprised that I've yet to have a boyfriend. It is kinda sad to me, sometimes, that I don't have any one person who thinks of me as theirs. I'm looking forward to it, but maybe I am expect too much? I don't know. It's just kinda lonely in that aspect sometimes.

-le sigh-

finals part 2

2006-05-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

Are over. I had a fourteen page speech test which was stinkin' hard. I did the best in the class on the midterm, though, and I think she is grading on a curve.

My english final was a seven page essay on the irony in Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal." It wasn't too bad, but I didn't like the topic.

Anywho, if I make an A on english, I have an A in the class. If I make an 88 on speech, I have an A in the class.

ooooh, i hope to keep my 4.0.

finals part 1

2006-05-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

Are over. Took psych today and got an A. I made an A in the class, this semester, so that's rad.

Tomorrow is Texas History and English. I need to make an A in english to have an A in the course, and yea..maybe the same for history? I dunno, that's an A for sure. I think tomorrow is my hardest day, only because there is a lot of pressure for my english exam.

Anyhow. That's about it. Erm..yea..

bueno bueno bueno

2006-05-03T16:51:00.000-07:00

So, I talked to my prof today about my paper. Turns out she had given me a zero on the meet with the teacher about sources section, because she didn't record when I came in. So, she remembered and now my grade is basically a B on that paper. And, even better, if I make an A on the final (no sweat, I can do that), then I make an A in the class. I definitely see that one coming.

Today I had to give my testimony in my final Baptist Student Ministries meeting. I lovelovelove African American churches, sometimes. The "amens!, preach it, sista's, and thank ya, Jesus!'s" are awesome. I wasn't even nervous. I think that the closer you become to God, the easier it is to talk about Him. I mean, it was a huge, full meeting, and it didn't bother me one bit. And I just went on and on, and all these people told me afterwards how I was a blessing to them, and how it was no good to see God working through young people.

Yep. God rocks like that.

yep. totally passed out.

2006-05-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

well, it was nice knowing y'all.

no, seriously, though. i am so freaked out right now. ah. man.

sooooo, i failed my research paper. why? because i didn't know I had to turn in the steps with the final paper. we turned them in, had them graded, and given back, so I thought that was all. but no. you had to turn them in again.

does it matter that my prof knows i did them and even has the grades? 'course not. this is ridiculous. my parents are going to freak. i will be so lucky to pull a B out of that class.

prayer, please? i seriously, really, desperately need it. i'm meeting with my prof tomorrow. =/

edited: okay. talked to the parents. they didn't freak. something like this happened:

so, i talked to my brother about it. and he talked to my dad. who talked to my mom.

so, i get a phonecall:

mom: "jessie, what's up with your english class?"

me: "uh...what do you already know?"

mom: "jessie, what's up with your english class?"

me: "uh..."

mom: "i don't want you to be afraid to tell me things."

me: "okay. -insert long story here-"

mom: "jessica, I care more about you than your grades. if you did all you could, and this is what happened, it won't be the end of the world. seriously. its okay."

me: "mom..is..that..you?"

mom: "dork. i'll talk to you when you get home."

hey guys, I think God just might love me lots :)

booyakasha

2006-05-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

so, i took my psych test this morning. I definitely thought I nailed it. Like, completely penetrated a hole through it with the perfect proportions. Turns out i was a few degrees off and made a 96. Lame, yo. I may have just taken it too quickly since I wanted to get out and work on a paper.

Oh well.

I did well on my personality paper, too. But, it was kinda depressing. My personality, that is. Well, not so much my personality as my most likely disorder which, yea. Anyways.

Lovely day. Two more class days, and then finals. w00t.

hahaha, stupid dog.

2006-04-29T20:36:00.000-07:00

So, tonight I went to a meeting for the building of a new church. This church is interdenominational, and is big on meeting people where they are. I love their mission statements.

Anyhow. That's not what this is about. I was there..and everyone else was like 30 and above. I felt uncomfortable, for sure. So, it was like 3 hours long.

Finally, closing prayer. And, everyone was holding hands. Um, the dog came by me and was like yipping..and I couldn't stop laughing. Like, I was shaking, so the girl holding my hand started laughing, and it started a trend. I was so embarrassed because everyone just died laughing in the middle of a prayer because I am so bad at keeping a straight face.

awh, embarrassment. then we resumed prayer, and I was thinking of every sad thing I could to not bust out laughing again. sad day!

what did the grape do when someone stepped on him?

2006-04-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

....

he let out a little whine! buh dum cha.

haha, my jokes are beyond lame. So, today, in 2 hours and 8 minutes my weekend begins. that is really exciting. I have like..one paper to write and one test to study for, and a speech..and..something else. but thats it?

anyhow. my plans for this summer have been confirmed now. that like, excites me to no end. i've been outta texas once when i was six and it was only to arkansas/oklahoma, so this is my first actual adventure. yessss. good times. props go to God for working this out.

i'm tired. i can't wait to sleep. in 1.5 weeks school is OVER! oh man, rest. ^_^

tunnel vision

2006-04-25T15:01:00.000-07:00

school is almost over. two weeks from today, i will finish my first year of college. i'm excited and all, but I have to finish strong so..I know I still have enough left.

someone's been texting me..like..these horrible things. whoever it is said i'm really annoying and i should go jump off a cliff, and lots of other words i don't use. i..don't know why. I'm trying to not let it bother me, but it's hard. I mean, yea, people telling you to go kill yourself?

anyways. God's faithful. It's a lot harder to trust Him than it is to let myself be upset over such things. I think the fact that I haven't slept alot lately just adds to it all. I really have been trusting Him, though. I need to make sure I put things in the correct perspective. sure, my problems could be bad, but God's power is completely capable of handling them.

I need to have tunnel vision directed straight at God. Nothing else matters.

wow, yea, that's a good thought. I like that. =]

rad.

2006-04-22T10:55:00.000-07:00

I have a cool new laptop. It's amazing and fast and rad.

el fin.

I don't have to be able to do it.

2006-04-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

My last title for my blog said I can't do this. That's right. I cannot do anything alone. Nothing worthwhile, anyhow. But see, God never asked me to. He asked me to trust Him to get me through these times and walk in faith.

Last night at the coolest, most rad Bible study in the world, it was like the songs were chosen for me. This song talking about how God is bigger than our circumstances, and how He's bigger than us, our lives, this world..everything. Then Jeremiah 29:11. God knows His plans for my life, and He's fully capable of working them out. It's all for HIS glory. Not mine. I have this huge desire to be obedient, despite the cost. There is a song by Avalon that says "You were there when obedience seemed to not make sense." It's talking about when Abraham was told to kill his son, through whom God said He would make the nations. So, yea, it's like..God..how can Isaac multiply if he's dead? God needs our full obedience even if we have no idea what's going on. God DOES know what He's doing, and I need to believe that. I do. God's been so faithful to me, and I trust Him. =] I really, sincerely do. The song I'm listening to just said "It's all in His hands. He'll lead, will you follow?" Yes! Yeessssssss, I will follow.

I have no idea what lies ahead of me in the next few months. But I trust the most amazing God who does know what will happen today, tomorrow, and forever and how it will all bring HIM glory. Ah, sweet epiphanies.

I can't do this.

2006-04-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

I have so much work to do. It is ridiculous. My parents are really upset with me because I accidentally did something really stupid..and I may have messed things up.

I think people have a very short life with me. They tolerate me for a while, and after that they get bored and move on. It's hard to realize, but it's basically true. Like, I'll have friends for a few months and then they just get bored or uninterested and don't ever talk to me.

Yea, this is cool. Crying in the library. I don't even care, though. I wish I knew how to make myself interesting or..different than I am. Again, feeling inadequate just sucks.

I am not going to let myself like people, because the odds of them liking me is so unrealistic, but the odds of my getting hurt by thinking more of things than I should is pretty much a good chance.

I'd say I just wish summer would come, but right now I don't know if it holds anything for me besides some summer courses and that thought terrifies me.

Um, pain?

2006-04-17T18:21:00.000-07:00

So, today was good, bad, and great. It was really difficult to stand and walk around. I don't know why, but I had these shooting pains throughout my body all day. Ah, yuck. Working in a library isn't the ideal job when feeling lame like that. I have to walk around constantly.

But anyhow. I got to talk to some really neat people today. Again, Stephanie and I talked. She's so cool. She had been discouraged, I think moving here with so few sincere Christian people. There are plenty of cultural Christians, but that's a whole other genre of people.

Today, again, for about the third time in a week, someone told me I seem so different than everyone one. He asked me if I was a very religious person, because he just knew something was unique. My friend Jake told me last week that I am the most real person he knows here. He knows tons of Christian people, but he said I am the only consistent person he knows. My mom was telling me the other day how proud she is of me and how I've let God work in my life.

I don't know when it happened, but one day, I guess I just changed. I'm a quiet person around those I don't know generally, but lately..I guess..I'm more open? I used to be sort of immature when things didn't go well. I was very impatient, and I wouldn't take responsibility for my wrong actions. But I am so different now. God's really developed patience in me, and I know when I am wrong, and I am the first to admit it. I'm kinda proud of myself in the way that I've really allowed God full access to my life. There's a situation I am kinda worried about now, because I don't know what God's will is for me. I know what I HOPE it is, but I really want to be obedient no matter what, and with a good attitude. God is amazing, and I hope others see that in my life.

if I walk away now..

2006-04-14T20:49:00.000-07:00

all I have to lose is doubt.

anywho, this conversation made me smile:

kevin: dude. why did you delete all your pictures?
me: I dunno. I didn't like them?
kevin: whaaa? why not?
kevin: dude.
kevin: you're all sorts of pretty
kevin: get over it.

Um, yea. I'm a girl and it's cool to be told that every once in a while.

because of the Lord's great love..

2006-04-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

we are not consumed. -lamentations 3

such a great verse. I thought for sure yesterday I wouldn't make it through with my sanity. I had so much work to get done and I was going on day two of less than 2 hours of sleep. But God is good, and He doesn't give me anything more than I can handle. Whether it was my mom calling to talk to me, or a friend saying something sweet, He got me through it, and I finished all my work and even got some sleep.

God has been speaking so tremendously through His word to me. Last night made time 3 in about 2 weeks that I knew God was telling me to read a certain passage, only to find confirmation by opening my Bible to that exact passage. Like, I knew God wanted me to read Daniel, and I opened my Bible and it was page one of Daniel. That keeps happening, and it's exactly what I need to hear. Right now Jeremy Camp's song "Walk by Faith" is playing.

'I will walk by faith even when I cannot see because this broken road prepares your will for me."

I know God has an amazing plan for my life. He's used me so much and I've felt Him so much...it's amazing. I get goosebumps when I realize how much He loves me and how he chose me to be His ambassador. The areas He's made me passionate about are so rad. Especially evangelism. I feel so lucky to be called to that. He's opened so many doors lately for me to continue in it.

I have a passion for living that so many people don't have. I don't like wasting time on trivial things, and God's been opening my eyes to see so many ordinary situations as possible life changing opportunities to further His kingdom. It's coming soon, and I desperately desire to be faithful.

I've had my mind on some less than eternal things, lately. I mean, they are in no way bad or sinful, but I've let it occupy too much of my time, and I feel like I am not being as useful as I could be, so I want to try to back away from some stuff and focus on the most important things and trust God's timing.

inadequacy

2006-04-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

ya know what's the absolute worst feeling in the world? feeling like you're unworthy of something. as if there is someone good enough out there, but you aren't it.

i hate when people tell you all these wonderful attributes about yourself only when they have no obligation to back it up.

ah, goodbye. i don't like this. but, it's almost to the point where i'm numb to it.

naivety

2006-04-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

edited because well..............................................

.........because it is.

she couldn't feel her face. lame.

2006-04-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

Girl: "Mom, you can't control me. I'm a big girl."

Mother: "Hon, big girls don't say 'I'm a big girl'"

but i waaaaassss a big girl. hah, at the dentist. it was not fun at all. I had a million shots which hurt, like whoa. But after that it was three hours of work being done. I'm so glad it's all over. The only thing I have to do now is the fun part! Man, I am sooo psyched about that. They said I can come back like May 1st and get everything taken care of.

Awh, yay for me. This blog begins a series of competitions. You have to vote for your choice. Today it's

the easter bunny:

VERSUS

Ronald McDonald:

Hm, who will it be?

geeez.

2006-04-05T08:50:00.000-07:00

I am irritated. Last night was cool and all, but this one guy is just unbelievably immature. I couldn't believe how he was acting. I had a friend come to hang out with me, and before he showed up, this other guy (let's call him Joe) started being a jerk. He's all "so, uh, Jessica, who's this guy that's coming? Is he your boyfriend? So, I guess you're over me. Poor guy, he's got big shoes to fill, etc."

I was like, please. Stop talking because you're making yourself look rude. Which he is. He was just mad because last semester when he liked me, I didn't return the "likage." Probably because not even he could fill his "big shoes." I don't know. And then when my friend showed up, he definitely didn't even try to include him in conversation or anything like we did with his girlfriend. This friend of mine isn't my boyfriend! He's my friend and "Joe" definitely was less than cool, and I felt so badly because my friend didn't seem to be having a good time.

-sigh- I want to skip to Friday. I'm scared.

ahhh radness.

2006-04-02T17:29:00.000-07:00

Alright, amigos, friends, romans, countrymen..anyhow. Um, today was cool. I went to the mall and hung out with the infamous Zachary McNair. (I am at this point smelling something good...hm..a.d.d. much?) It was pretty nifty. I had a headache though. Not so much fun!

I've decided I want to play piano. I want to be like Bryce Avary and totally rock out. He's basically amazing. He plays geetar, too. I also wanna learn that. I saw lots of things in sharper image that I want. It was rad. Zach has a nack for knocking things over.

Hmm...I don't want to do this week. I want to skip over it and go to next week. Thursday is really freaking me out. I was glad I had today to take a break from thinking about it.

el fin!

p.s. I had chinese food for the second time in my life, and I must say, God bless the chinese people. It still doesn't compare to Mexican food, though.

ahhhhh

2006-03-31T06:15:00.000-08:00

I am so tiiiiired. Man. Last night makes three nights in a row where I didn't sleep until past 2am. And then I wake up before 7...so I get about 4.5 hours of sleep, and then go to school all day and then work, and then yea. Homework. So, I am running around like crazy doing things with no rest for the weary.

Aside from that, God has been so amazing to me lately. I really believe I have the gift of intercessory prayer. Lately, every single sermon I've heard has been on prayer and how it changes our situations. Like, the last seven talks I've heard from various organizations has been on this. I'm not even surprised any more when the person leading the service starts out by saying "well, today we're gonna talk about prayer." Yes. I knew that. =]

Wednesday at my BSM (Baptist Student Ministries) meeting, the pastor there talked about Moses. There is a story of when the Israealites worshipped the gold calf while Moses was on the mountain with God. God was so angry that He said He was going to destroy the people for their sin. But Moses had compassion for them. God gave Moses this supernatural love for those people. He pleaded with God on their behalf, even sacrificing his own standing with God so that they could be made right and be forgiven. But, what was God to do? I mean, He had already said He was going to destroy them, and God can't go back on His word. Well, this is the cool part. Because the situation had now changed, God had the opportunity to show compassion. How did the situation change? Those people now had an intercessor between them and God. Because of Moses' faithfulness to prayer and his love for those people, God could show them compassion and spare them. If Moses hadn't of been there praying, they would have been destroyed.

This astounds me because it shows me how much I am needed in prayer. Like, God wants to change situations, but I need to claim His promises so He will do that. It's so rad.

well cool.

2006-03-29T08:22:00.000-08:00

Arena

(known to self and others)

clever, modest

Blind Spot

(known only to others)

able, caring, cheerful, confident, friendly, giving, happy, intelligent, kind, knowledgeable, loving, patient, religious, trustworthy, warm

Façade

(known only to self)

dependable, helpful, self-conscious, shy

Unknown

(known to nobody)

accepting, adaptable, bold, brave, calm, complex, dignified, energetic, extroverted, idealistic, independent, ingenious, introverted, logical, mature, nervous, observant, organised, powerful, proud, quiet, reflective, relaxed, responsive, searching, self-assertive, sensible, sentimental, silly, spontaneous, sympathetic, tense, wise, witty

Dominant Traits

75% of people think that Jessicalikewhoa is friendly

good news bad news

2006-03-28T06:13:00.000-08:00

So, I was walking into the dentists office and nearly passed out. Ha, good way to start, eh?

Anyhow, they didn't even do anything yesterday. They said next Thursday I will have to go in and almost be put all the way to sleep and have work done for like hours. Oooooh man it is not gonna be fun.

Good news, is then it will all be over. -sigh- How nice that will be.

Tonight is breakaway...yessss. I need some good friend hanging out, destressing, no lame boys, no english papers, no heart attacks kinda time. That was so grammatically horrible, but yea. It says what I'm thinking.

I wanna watch Pride and Prejudice. Catcha glimpse of some actual gentlemen. Oh, like Mr. Knightly in Emma. Suuuuuch a good movie. Go watch it!

yea, I meant now.

alright, so I'm kinda scared..

2006-03-27T07:48:00.000-08:00

Well, today doesn't look like it's gonna be a fun day. I, uh, well..I have a dentist appointment. I haven't been able to sleep at all lately, and everyone's like "jessica, what's the matter?" Hm..well..I pretend to not know..

but yea. In January I had to get work done on my teeth, and apparently they didn't do a super fantastic job because for the last two weeks it's been painful for me, and I wouldn't tell anyone. but I finally decided to because I'm sick of going 9 months before I do. i dunno. whatever, it will be over with soon, I freakin' hope.

this weekend was good and bad. i prayed alot. but, ya know, it was because I needed it. some stuff has been stressing me out, but a phonecall I got Friday afternoon was one of the best of my life. I'd feel kinda nerdy talking about it, but man, I am so psyched about life in general right now. it's basically ridiculously awesome.

well, reader, whoever you are please pray for me today at 1pm. because yea, that's when I meet "the chair" kfjkdsjlk ahhhhhh.

hm..

2006-03-24T06:28:00.000-08:00

I always get these online devotionals in my inbox and this is todays:

Friday, March 24, 2006
1. Perspective and Persistence

The Apostle Paul said: "I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again."1

Speaking of Thomas Edison, at one point when he had not yet discovered how to make an electric light bulb work a young journalist said to him, "How come you keep trying to make an electric light when you have failed so many times. Don't you know that gas lights are with us to stay?"

"Young man," Edison said, "I have not failed but successfully discovered 6,000 ways that won't work!"

If anyone knew opposition it was the Apostle Paul. Besides being in prison and being exposed to death, he received from the Jews the thirty-nine lashes. He was also beaten with rods, stoned, and shipwrecked three times. He was in constant danger from bandits, his own countrymen, and from Gentiles. He often went without sleep and knew hunger and thirst and was left cold and naked, and knew constant pressure because of his concern for all the churches.2
Paul was faithful to the end. In spite of innumerable setbacks, he never quit and he never gave up.

Great perspective. Great persistence. Great attitude. Having a Great God made the difference! You and I have the same Great God and can have the same great attitude.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please give to me a great perspective, great persistence and a great attitude, and grant that today I can have a part in the great work you are doing in the world today. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

that's pretty neat since I am oh so frustrated at this moment. It's also REALLY humorous that in the second paragraph it says "Speaking of Thomas Edison.."

...

when were we speaking of edison? yea, GOOD ONE, GUYS.

STOP

2006-03-24T06:17:00.000-08:00

Daniel, Cathy:

if you don't like me or what I have to say, why not stop reading this? I changed the address of my blog once, and apparently I am gonna have to do it again. Please, I know you don't like me, so just ignore me, kay?

I already tried to make peace with y'all because I had considered you to be friends. But if you don't want it, that's alright. It's okay. Just please stop posting those comments because they have no truth to them.

interesting..

2006-03-23T06:33:00.000-08:00

I am looking around the library where I am sitting. I have discovered that about four of the five people sitting around me are on myspace...

see, I think this is a very interesting phenomenon. Myspace seems to be the ingeniuos discovery for those who would love to waste their life away. Now, don't get me wrong, I do have a myspace and I check it daily, but you would be appalled at the countless hours most of the kids at my college spend on this a day. Why are they not out actually having conversations in person with the people they are talking to online? Mostly, people here use it to meet other people here. But..it's a small school..and you could meet in the cove (cafeteria) and not have a screen between you..

I'm just wondering what it is about myspace that is so comforting and why it caters to us so much. Are we honestly that afraid of who were are in the real world that we won't let ourselves be discovered? I can't say that hasn't frightened me before..I am very authentic on myspace. I don't try to hide anything about myself, but there is still that fear that maybe someone won't like me in person, or I won't have time to think of something funny to say like I have the time online..

honestly, I never even intended to write about myspace, so this is weird. I dunnoo...just something I noticed.

off to study for my speech midterm!

just kidding, I guess

2006-03-22T07:19:00.000-08:00

yea, so..about that last blog of mine..ha. um, I think it's pretty lame, or at least I feel lame about it. I don't know. I was praying about it alot last night and I was just like.."God, I don't know. I thought some stuff about this guy, but I just don't know." And I specifically asked for something..and it happened..but still. This morning, upon walking outside after pysch class, there was this gorgeous breeze outside, and I was thinking about what the guy talked about last night at Breakaway. And honestly, I was excited about the fact that Jesus was so much more attractive to me than the guy. This guy is amazing and all, but I just..I don't think he's interested..hm. He's really nice and all, but maybe that's just him. I don't want to worry about it! I'm the kind of person who totally invests everything into what I do. And I do NOT have the energy or ability to start really liking this guy if it's not gonna be something practical. So, we're thinking I'm gonna stop thinking about this guy because..while he is awesome..I'd rather wait until he asks me out or something to think of him that way because otherwise I'm just looking for heartache.

Besides..this time of singleness is a gift so that I can have an undistracted devotion to God. Ben Stuart said last night that people who think salvation is just about the forgiveness of sins are like people who think you get married just so you aren't single anymore. It's so true. Salvation is the freedom to have a mind blowing relationship with God and His Son, and the breath of life we have through His Spirit.

ten points for breakaway.

ummm. awh?

2006-03-20T10:22:00.000-08:00

so, yea. I think I like this guy. He's pretty much amazing. All the things that I thought I liked about this one guy last semester which proved to be totally false...are found in the one I like.

now, I haven't actually liked a guy in a while. It's just not a priority for me because I don't know anyone who fit my standards for a godly guy. Buuuuut then I met him. And, it's basically ridiculous how sincere he is in his faith. He amazes me, and gives me hope for my husband. I am not gonna try to start anything because he knows my number, so he can call me. Which is how it's supposed to work. Girls today are so impatient, and they just run to ask guys out..that's not cool with me. I'd so rather wait for the guy because he's supposed to be the leader and initiator, in my opinion.

I usually wouldn't make a blog about this, but my friends aren't really back yet, and I am a girl so I like talking about this sorta thing, and I can't yet so here it is!

ten points to the Godly guys.

cheetos and chocolate

2006-03-18T19:37:00.000-08:00

so, last night I didn't sleep. At all. I watched movies and stuff because I didn't feel so hot. but it was lovely.

once again, jane and i got to have our amazing chocolate stuff. sadly, this time we couldn't have our cheetos and chocolate, but we reminisced of the good ole days of last semester at homecoming when we did.

uh, so they are building a drive in movie theatre here. i decided i wanna go there on my first actual date. that'd be rad. it might be a while though since i am so dang picky. blah.

not much else to say. kinda sad school is about to start, but then i will see my pals again. good times.

oooooh man.

2006-03-17T12:12:00.000-08:00

so, last night I went to sleep at oh..about 4 am? hah, I didn't intend to but I was having some amusing conversations with people.

like, I dunno, how a spanish word can be translated into a premiscuous female is beyond me. also:

AmerksHockey9: it's overrated
Llessica05: like your mom.
Llessica05: OH.
AmerksHockey9: =(
Llessica05: I love your mom. I really do.

I dont know why I find that funny, but I really do.

anyhow, it was good to be happy. tonight I will chill with my girls again..yessss, they are home! and we are gonna take pretty pictures in the bluebonnets. that's exciting.

2006-03-16T21:42:00.000-08:00

Zephaniah 3:17

"The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will rejoice over you with singing, He will quiet you in His love. "

chase the Son..?

=]

ouch..

2006-03-16T20:03:00.002-08:00

alright, i am writing down my thoughts for now because i haven't actually talked to anyone since..maybe friday? yea, it's been a long while and it's basically killing me.

so, I don't really understand why i'm going through all that I have been these last couple of weeks. i mean, I guess I do, actually, but it's still so hard. like, in some aspects, life has never been better. the fact that I am finally really beginning to start training for my future is basically the most exciting thing ever. i am a very shy person in general, but when it comes to speaking about God, it's like I transform into someone else..or rather, someone else begins speaking through me. yea, it's the latter. but even when i am not speaking, when i'm just helping think of ideas for promotion for other people it's amazing. it's so thrilling for me to feel like i am actually accomplishing what i want to be.

but like now..my heart is literally aching. like, stuff happened tonight, and it was so hard. i didn't know how to deal with it..all this death and pain that's been going on around lately isn't easy to take. i know it'd be easier if it weren't spring break and i wasn't the only one of my friends in town. i feel completely isolated. two went to tennessee, and the rest went various places on mission trips. so..that left me. it's basically been a ridiculously stressful "break."

last night at like midnight, i heard thunder. so, i opened my window and watched the lightening and listened to it roll. this chris tomlin song was in the background..the one that says "how great is our God.." and it was just like..amazing. the smell of rain and seeing God's power manifested through nature is like some beautiful experience that conveys God's power, but His love as well. like..my favorite verse is Zephaniah 3:17 which says :

"The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you in His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

amazing.

and then, when thinking about Lacey..I read these verses in Isaiah 57:

"The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death."

so..Lacey's okay. I mean I knew she was, but these verses are such a comfort to read..i dunno..
God had a plan for her life. She fulfilled it. She was never meant to go beyond where she did in life, and we aren't promised tomorrow, so we have no right to be bitter when we aren't given it. We are blessed with today, and should use it with gratitude to touch the world around us. Thats what Lacey did, and that's what I want to do.

Alot of people are willing to die for God, but I think sometimes it's harder to live for Him...and thats what I want to do.

mmkay...

2006-03-14T19:49:00.000-08:00

Lacey died.

I'm trying to thank God for what He's gonna do through this, but it's hard. Its like..now I don't see the point in her having to die so young. But I know God is a good God, so there is one. I know it. I'm actually way more at peace about this then I thought I would be since I was so praying she'd pull through..

-sigh-

God? what's going on here..everything seems to be crashing, yet I still feel so secure.

edit: yea, so..I love music and God always points me to songs..and this is the one that came on after posting this:

I saw your sky fall down today
Suddenly turn from blue to gray
Till one by one the raindrops
Turned to tears upon your face
Wish there was something I could do
Wish I could ease the pain from you

But I've never felt so helpless
It's like you're drowning right in front of me
And I'm reaching out but you can't see
There's something holding on to you so tight
So I guess this is all I'll say to you tonight

If you ever need me You know where to find me
I will be waiting where I've always been
If you ever need me You know where to find me
I have never left you, I'm where I've always been
Right by your side
Right by your side

If the whole wide world is on your back
If the strength you need is the strength you lack
If you're in a crowd but all alone
If you can't stay here but you can't go home
If you can't answer all the why's
'Cause your to tired to reach that high
I want you to remember ...

I will be waiting..right by your side..

alright alright alright

2006-03-14T18:28:00.000-08:00

hey kids. it's been a tiring day. i went shopping. amazing.

so, yea..i am excited about stuff which is exciting. what a profound statement.

i have nothing to say really, besides everything's been cool being off from school for a bit and new music makes me happy.

texts messages make me happy.
cinnamon dulce lattes make me happy.
sales at american eagle make me happy.
eating lunch with my mom makes me happy.
saltine crackers make me happy.
new jewelry makes me happy.

oh, and i discovered i don't really like praying for myself, but i love praying for other people.

lazy day

2006-03-12T18:32:00.000-08:00

today was uneventful. i cleaned in pajamas while listening to music at ridiculously loud levels. it was wonderful. using paint brushes as microphones is definitely underutilized, in my opinion. for such events, the rocket summer is the best band to listen to.

uh, so, basically i watched some cheesy movies, too. my sister watched like 5 minutes and told me her stomach couldn't take any more. how sad.

i don't think i have anything of importance to share with the world today besides the fact that i discovered one of my greatest fears is not being taken seriously by my role models. ooooh, what an epiphany.

again? are you serious?

2006-03-11T20:12:00.000-08:00

well..another automobile accident has struck..this time the girl wasn't so lucky..

a girl from my high school died today. this is insane, because my high school is small. like, 7 kids in my graduating class..and we all have been together forever, literally since pre-school. so, this isn't good. she was in a car accident and then on life support..

i didn't really know her since she came after i left, but my little sister was and her boyfriend is a really good friend of mine..prayer, please?

today was amazing though..i had a good break from stress in the form of shopping. -siiiiiigh-

so, yesterday i was walking across the street and this is what happened:

random guy: "stop!"

me: huh?

random guy: "....in the name of love..before you break my heart..hey, can I come home with you tonight?"

me: "lame, much? yea."

srsly, omg.

ten points for tennessee

2006-03-10T08:23:00.000-08:00

"The state Senate on Thursday passed a proposal to amend the Tennessee Constitution so that it doesn't guarantee a woman's right to an abortion."

That's..amazing.

well..

2006-03-09T09:29:00.000-08:00

i heard she broke her arm and legs..and sprained some stuff as well as cut up her foot. but she's been released from the hospital.

thanks to those who prayed. keep doing so, though, cause..it's still awful.

um, yea.